He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

*Written on 4/23/2012*

Never had I ever imagined that Cupid would also include me into his shooting range.

Like I mentioned, I was a Tom Boy. I acted like a boy; I dressed like a boy; I treated myself like a boy, and I even look like a boy: Short bold cut, tan skin, and extremely fit. Growing up, I hung out with male friends than female friends a whole lot more often. It’s still the same way nowadays; besides, what other girls enjoy riding bikes with bunch of stray dogs and roll around in the dirt? Even with such close distance hanging out with men, I didn’t even have the slightest idea about romantically dating a man until college.

Peer pressure perhaps? I saw couples kissing in front of their lockers back in High School. First, I despite it; later, I questioned myself: why not me? Slowly, I figured out that I didn’t hang around with guys like a girl. I hung out with them like a guy; besides, which guy wants to date a girl who rolls around in dirt?

Then, it clicked.

I need to treat myself like a girl before guys can treat me like a girl.

Curling my hair, painting my nails, and wearing pretty dresses made me really uncomfortable at first, but then I actually found it quite enjoyable. In fact, I am a female after all. Unfortunately, I was still unable to get guys’ attention in High School. Nobody asked me to prom, not even just a date. Gradually, I merged back with my old living style— carefree, wild, and adventurous. Nevertheless, peer pressure got worse after I went to college. Without a shelter from the family, I was constantly influenced by my roommates who brought her boyfriend home to sleep with every night. My friends started to engage with sex talk and the typical—experience sharing, while I sat idiotically at the table with them. I didn’t want to admit it, but I was getting desperate. All the curiosity and pride really suppressed my rational reasoning; I blamed myself for being so weak-minded.

In my freshmen year, when a gaming buddy of mine expressed interests in me, I was flattered. I started dating him right away without a second thought. One short sentence to conclude my first relationship: it was the one of the most regretful things I have ever done in my life. Few months later, I met “Robert” in Taiwan during my summer vacation. While dating, both of us were trying to make this relationship as short as it could be, because we both knew that once my vacation was over, I’d have to return the states. In consideration of the distance, we thought it would just be a short – just for the benefits- relationship. As foolish as it could be, I was still shot by Cupid’s arrow. He was too. Like two lovey doves we were, sang together and flew beyond the skies with each other by the side when it was meant to be fleeting. I would work through a long distance relationship, I thought and swore to myself.

However, flowers have their seasons to bloom, and fruits have their seasons to be picked.

After two years, he asked me, “What’s the point of this relationship?”

A simple rhetorical question could stun me so much, and put me to such a speechless mode that I could do nothing but cry. Was it really better to love and loss, than never love at all? Do I still believing in other relationship opportunity?  I still believe in picking the right apple after getting food poisoning from the previous ones? The answer is NO.

I loved a person, truly, dearly. I was, also, shattered by the tiniest pieces.

Of course, my friends and family around me encouraged me in the old fashioned way: be patient because one day Mr. Right will come, or don’t judge one person as the whole group. Dazing into the sky, it disgusted me to see two lovey birds flying together perhaps it was because I thought the concept of love was stupid, or perhaps I was jealous. I became all different ever since those two relationship experiences, even though I prayed as I slept, wishing to be back to the normal me. Before the cupid arrow hit, I never wonder around my cellphone waiting for a reply on a text message; I never stalk on Facebook; I never pull on the flower petals saying, “he loves me, he loves me not.”

Recently, I grew interest in this person. Also, I saw Cupid readied his bow and arrows. When it hits, what should I do?

Ans: Doge the damn arrow.


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